The interview

‘What do you rate your European history as’, the Australian woman wearing black rimmed glasses and a stern look asked me, ‘on a scale of 1 to 10.’ I opted for a modest five. ‘What were the dates of the First World War,’ came the next question. My mind went blank. ‘Actually I’m more of a four I said.’

Then the other Australian spoke. I was hoping she’d be the good cop. She wasn’t. Very uncharacteristic of the nation. ‘I see you’ve done psychology,’ she said, picking up my CV as if was a piece of used toilet paper. ‘How do you think that will help you to be a tour guide?’ I smiled and pretended I was doing something psychological on her. The fact is, the only thing I remember about this particular subject was that Freud used to break clients noses for no apparent reason and that I fancied my teacher, (she also happened to take my history class). ‘It will be very useful,’ I replied, then paused. ‘Wasn’t Freud from Austria?’ The looks on their faces suggested this wasn’t quite what they were after.

Past the history and CV talk I was cross-examined on geography and then given some tour scenarios. ‘So you’re in your cabin’, said the first interviewer, ‘and a gorgeous client knocks on your door, holding a bottle of wine and wants to come in for the night, what do you do?’ I thought about it carefully, ‘Well, I guess that would depend on the wine.’ Silence. ‘If ever I find out you slept with one of the guests I will fire you,’ she answered, and then ticked something off on her clipboard.

I couldn’t tell if I was doing well or not, owing to the fact that whatever I said it was met with more disapproving looks and blunt, insensitive replies. I blotted the experience out until some weeks later I received a letter telling me that I’d been accepted on a two month training trip, unpaid, around Europe, and would have to do an assignment prior to the leaving date in March. The Assignment has now been completed, 120,000 words long, finished in three weeks. The average length of a novel is 90,000 words. My hands still hurt. And now I have only a couple of days left to learn the brochure off by heart, pack and head off into the continent. I’m not expecting it to be a holiday, if the interview is anything to go by. I must remember to pack my boot polish.